


Who cares?

by Luni_Ambrose



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Dark, Depression, Drinking, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nightmares, Parabatai Bond, Scars, Seeing the World, Self-Harm, Self-Harm while drunk, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, World Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-07 14:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12235128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luni_Ambrose/pseuds/Luni_Ambrose
Summary: A death wish he felt for years now. Somehow Jace, his beloved parabatai, always kept him safe and sane. But Jace was too busy with Clary. He didn’t even realized how bad it was.





	1. Chapter 1

  
They said life isn’t easy.  
They said life is about fighting.  
They said life was a task.

 

But what if this task would become too much to bare?

 

Sitting on the roof of Magnus‘ loft, feet hanging down. The beautiful, illuminated city of New York in front of his eyes. But he was unable to see it. Everything good, everything beautiful was out of his sight.

  
Weeks ago he tried to jump down, ending his miserable life. He knew it was all because of the spell. But it had woken up something deep down. A death wish he felt for years now. Somehow Jace, his beloved parabatai, always kept him safe and sane. But Jace was too busy with Clary. He didn’t even realized how bad it was.

 

Alec let out a sigh. Looking up into the sky. Millions of stars. He felt small. Worthless. Nobody would miss him, right? Maybe Magnus because the warlock claimed to have strong feelings for him.. And maybe even Jace. Because he was his parabatai. For him it would feel like a part of himself died.

 

Izzy was somehow still pissed because of the whole thing with Meliorn.  
Clary clearly hated him.  
And his parents… they would just be angry because he would disgrace the Lightwood name even more. But Alec knew it would be 'better for worse'. Once he was gone everyone would go back to normal and Izzy would be the one to keep up with the Lightwood name.

Alec sitting there, dressed in black. His bow and arrows placed next to him. On top a letter for Magnus.  
Staring at the letter his own words appeared in front of his eyes…

 

_„Dear Magnus_

_I know those words are going to hurt you but I need to get them out of my system before I leave._  
_I know I could never give up my life as a Lightwood. And as a Lightwood I can’t choose love over family and the clave._  
_I love you, Magnus. From the bottom of my heart. With everything I have. But this love isn’t strong enough to keep me going, to keep me alive._  
_You said I should listen to my heart… and now I do._  
_Leaving you is the hardest part of all this. But leaving the world will set me free. I hope you can forgive me._  
_In endless love,_  
_Alexander“_

 

Cold air filled Alec’s lungs. The last gaze up to the stars, one last thought of the people he loved and he jumped down. Free fall. Lights rushing in front of his eyes and the feel of freedom filling his whole body.

 

  
And then there was nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

Alec’s body stopped a few feet off the ground. A blueish purple dust surrounding him. Slowly he was floating upwards until he was back on the roof top.

  
The dust still lingering around his body as he seemed to be asleep.

 

At the same time a extremely high pitched noise made Magnus wince. He had just arrived in the institute to look for Alec and the rest of the shadowhunters. He knew something was wrong.

  
It took him a moment to clear his mind from the noise but eventually he made his way to search for Jace. When he found him he was laying on the ground in Clarys room. A cloud of blueish purple dust surrounding his body.

  
„Magnus!“ Clary screamed in panic as she saw the warlock.  
„He is okay, biscuit…“ He said with a firm voice, whiping away her worries. „It’s Alexander.“

  
„What is wrong with him?“

  
Magnus said nothing, just starring at Jace, knowing Alec was in the same condition.

  
„Magnus! Talk to me!“

„He tried to kill himself.“ A soundless sob later a portal appeared in the middle of the room. „We have to take Jace with us. I guess he is the only person who can talk some sense into his _parabatai_.“

  
They got him up and dragged him through the portal right into Magnus‘ appartment.

Magnus found Alec outside, the dust still lingering around his slender body.

  
„What have you done, my love?“ His voice was just a whisper, filled with desperation. The warlock lifted his boyfriend up, carrying him into the loft, gently placing him on the couch.

  
Jace was placed on the floor, Clary sitting next to him, holding his hands.

 

With one simple snap of Magnus‘ fingers both Shadowhunters opened their eyes, gasping for air.

  
Within a second Alec realized where he was, starring at Magnus and felt tears leaving his eyes.

 

  
He had failed.

 

  
Again.


	3. Chapter 3

Alec was crying.

  
Magnus just starring at his boyfriend.

  
Clary simply just had eyes for Jace.

  
And Jace sat up slowly, realizing where he was. Finally his eyes found his parabatai.

 

„Alec! Are you okay?“ He stood up, totally ignoring Clary and kneeled next to Alec, grabbing his hand.  
He could feel this endless sadness, the mental pain. And the death wish. They were looking each other in the eyes, sharing said feelings.

  
Jace felt a slight burn on his parabatai rune.

  
Both of them realizing that their bond was getting stronger.

  
Both of them letting down their guards, sharing their feelings and not caring about anything else than each other.

„Alexander…“ Magnus‘ voice was a whisper, sounding like the high warlock was about to break down.  
Alec sat up, gently tapping on the free space on the couch. Magnus nodded and took the hint. After he sat down he gently wrapped his arms around his broken boyfriend. Alec still holding hands with Jace, a small source of courage.

„I need _help_ , Magnus.“ The tears falling freely, coating Alec’s face. „I need _help_ , Jace.“  
Alec closed his eyes, chewing on his lower lip.

  
Those were the hardest words he ever said.   
Needing help wasn’t something he as a shadowhunter should need. He as a Lightwood admitting that he was just a broken, weak man was a _disgrace_.   
He was _ashamed_.

But at the same time he felt _relief_. 

Like he just blew up the chains around his whole being. Like he was finally able to be _himself_.

  
Alec knew that what ever was going to happen – Magnus and Jace would be there. 

Fighting for and with him.

No matter how hard it would be. 


	4. Chapter 4

With all three men just ignoring her Clary felt useless, heading to the kitchen to make a cup of tea for Alec. She smirked when she saw a strawberry cupcake tea with a pink cat on it. At the end she decided a mixed herbs would be the best. Alec wouldn’t need a kitty tea.

„I made you a cup of tea, Alec.“ Clary said, kneeling down next to Jace and offering Alec the hot cup.

  
„Thanks…“ Alec whispered, a hint of a smile on his lips. Gladly accepting the offered tea, breaking the contact to both, Magnus and Jace.

  
„I’ll be there whenever you need me. I care for you, even if I know you dislike me.“

  
„I don’t dislike you at all. It’s just… things changed since you stepped into our life’s. I had the feeling you're taking away what meant most for me – Jace. But at the same time because of you I found love and the courage to break out of my normal self.“ Alec now with a full on smile, looking at Magnus before leaning against him. „I love you, Magnus.“ It was just a whisper but the warlock heard it.

„I love you too, Alexander. You are my everything. I beg you, tell me what is going on with you. I can’t loose you.“ Magnus‘ eyes glistening with upcoming tears.

 

Suddenly Jace jumped up, screaming in pain. But it wasn’t his pain.

 

Alec had just tipped over the cup of tea, spilling it over his left thigh. But he didn’t even seemed to care. Alec’s eyes closed, the smile still on his lips.

  
Magnus jumped up, realizing what happened and with a snap of his finger Alec’s black pants was gone. Skin burned, bruised and covered with scars.

  
Alec had opened his eyes and was starring at his boyfriend.

  
„Why?“ Magnus said, voice filled with endless sadness.

  
„Who cares?“ Alec screamed, jumping up and running towards the roof.

 

It was Clary who acted sane enough to follow him.  
„ _I_ do, Alec. I really do!“ She grabbed his wrist, spinning him around. „We all need you! Magnus needs you, he loves you! Jace needs you, you're his _parabatai_ – his _everything_!“ Tears forming in Clarys eyes. „ _I_ need you. If you believe it or not. You’re like a brother to me. You and Izzy are like _family_ to me. The only family I've got left!“  
She let go off his hand, crying.   
„You have no idea how many times I thought about doing _this_ … but because of you, your sister, Magnus and Jace I'm still here, still breathing. Alec, please.“

Clary hadn’t even realized that Jace and Magnus joined them on the roof, listening to her words.


	5. Chapter 5

Alec broke down. Seconds later Magnus was by his side, gently stroking the sobbing body of his boyfriend.  
Clary turned away, eyes finding Jace’s.

  
„Really?“ Jace asked, head slightly turned to the side.  
„No. But I needed to say something.“ She rolled her eyes. „I think he shouldn’t be your parabatai. I'm afraid what will happen to you if he’s successful one day.“

  
„What?“

  
„One day nobody is there to save him from himself. And then? I don’t want to lose you because of your _parabatai_.“

„You should _leave_ now, Clary. Stay away from me _and_ Alec!“ Jace voice was a low but full of anger.

Clary left without saying anything.

Jace turned his attention back to his parabatai. Alec was still sobbing, crying out his beautiful eyes in the arms of his warlock. He walked over, kneeling down next to Alec.  
„We should get him back inside…“ Jace whispered to Magnus who nodded. Jace lifted up the crying bundle of shadowhunter and carried him back inside.

  
Gently Jace placed Alec under the dark red, satin sheets.  
Magnus snapped with his fingers and Alec fell asleep.  
„We need to talk, Jace.“

Magnus made cocktails for both before they sat down in the living room.   
„It’s bad, right?“ Jace asked, playing with the colorful drink in his hands.

  
„Worse. I…I don’t know why. He tricked me. When we were together he always _seemed_ so happy.“ Magnus let out a sigh.

  
„Yeah..me too. He never said something or even acted different. But maybe I was just too busy with Clary. Damn.“ Jace felt anger bubbling up, taking a huge sip of the drink to calm himself down.

  
„The scars. Today wasn’t just a random irrational act. This was planned. He harmed himself before. He wants to die, badly.“ The warlock was shaking, voice trembling.

  
„We aren’t enough to keep him fighting, are we?“ Jace said, finishing his drink and swallowing down the upcoming tears.

„Right now… we aren’t. We have to fight for this precious boy. Keep him going. He needs us both. You heard him. He was asking for our help. Alexander is broken and we both need to fix him.“ Magnus stood up, mixing two new drinks. A snap of his fingers and some random music started playing. „We need a plan. Taking the weight off of him. Somewhere far away. Just the three of us.“

„I'm in.“ Jace had a small smile on his lips. He wouldn’t let his parabatai suffer any more. He would never give up what he loved the most. _Never_.


	6. Chapter 6

They spend the whole night planning. Alec needed time off, being away from the institute and being with Magnus and Jace.

  
„Are you going to heal his scars?“ Jace said, eyes closed because he was way too tired to keep them open any longer.  
„We'll have to ask Alexander. I assume they mean something to him. Reminder of things that broke him. I can’tand I won’t just take them away. But we can heal the burns of tonight.“

  
Magnus got up what caused Jace to open his eyes. The warlock reaching out his hand, offering it to the shadowhunter. Jace got up and pulled Magnus into a hug.  
„We will get through this, Magnus. No matter how. You and me.. we're gonna save Alec.“

„Promise?“  
„Promise!“

Finally they made their way to the bedroom, cuddling up against Alec’s sleeping body. Magnus on the right, Jace on the left.

  
„He won’t wake up until I say so. We both need some rest.“ Magnus said, snipping with his fingers and let the burns disappear.

 

 

When Jace woke up again Alec was still sleeping peacefully. Chest rising and falling in an even pace, soft snoring noises every now and then.   
Magnus wasn’t on the other side so Jace got up, searching the warlock. He found him on the roof, a letter in his hands. The cheeks wet, eyes red.

 

  
Jace sat down next to Magnus, wrapping his arms around the shivering warlock.   
„I need to marry him.“ Magnus said all the sudden. „It’s all because of the Lightwood name.“ He started giggling. „I’ll just marry him, he's gonna taking my name and we leave New York. Problem solved!“

  
Jace smirked. „Do it. You both deserve the happiness, the love,… everything. As long as you’re planning on taking me with you wherever you'll go.“

  
„I knew that loving Alec would mean to love you too in some kind of way. And that is what I do. Alec can’t be without you. And I'll gladly take you with us.“

  
„Should we wake him up? Tell him about everything? Okay, maybe not about a wedding right away. But vacation and spending time wherever he wants.“

  
„Let’s wake up my pretty boy.“ Magnus got up, a small smile appeared on his face. „You’re going to be our flower boy…“ The warlock said in a high pitched voice.

 

  
Now it was all up to Alec. 


	7. Chapter 7

Alec felt rested as he opened his eyes. Magnus sitting right next to him, his fingers caressing Alec’s arm.  
„I’m sorry Magnus.“ Alec whispered, turning his head away just to see Jace sitting on the other side of the bed.

  
„There is no need to be sorry, love. We have to feel bad about not noticing that you feel that bad. And because of that we decided that a vacation would be the best for all of us.“ Magnus said, smiling bright.

  
„I can’t take days off. I’m a shadowhunter, I'm in charge of the institute.“ Alec let out a sigh.

„Izzy is going to replace you as long as she needs to. Alec, you need this. We can’t lose you. We want you to be happy. I love you, _parabatai_.“  
Alec sat up slowly, hiding his face in his hands.  
„I’m desperate. I know I _need_ you help but… it’s not going to be any better. And I can’t lose you two.“

  
Magnus grabbed both of Alec’s wrists, pulling them away from his face. „You’re not gonna lose us. I swear to you, Alexander. Jace and I spend the whole night with making plans. We’re going on vacation. You, Jace and I. Wherever you want, I'll take us there and no matter how long this is going to take – we will keep on fighting to get that pretty smile back onto your pretty face.“

 

The slightest sign of a smile appeared on Alec’s lips.  
„I always wanted to see the world. Like surfing in Hawaii, swimming with pigs in the ocean.. this kind of things.“  
„Everything you want and need. Get up, take a shower with Magnus while I prepare some food.“

 

„There is one more _problem_ …“ Alec said, stareing at the sheets in front of him.  
„What?“ Jace asked, looking concerned.  
„Food… I… I think I'm not pretty enough for Magnus… I think I'm too… fat.“ Alec sighed. „I just eat some protein bars from time to time. I know that isn’t okay and I think you need to know that.“

  
„But you are _perfect_ , Alexander!“ Magnus said, letting go of Alec’s wrists just to cup his face with his hands. „I love you. Just as you are.“

 

„Damn, that explains why I’m always _that_ hungry.“ Jace laughed, knowing that it wasn’t what Alec wanted to hear but it made everyone laugh somehow.  
„I want to go to….“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any suggestions for places they could visit?


	8. Chapter 8

„…Galway. Ireland must be a beautiful place.“  
„Great choice, Alexander.“ Magnus smiled. „I love the Irish.“

Alec took a shower, refusing the offer of his boyfriend joining him. Magnus and Jace preparing some fruit and some eggs.  
Alec gave his best to eat some pieces of the fresh fruit.

  
Afterwards they portaled to Ireland. A beautiful river, trees and an old, big castle.  
„The best hotel I know…Ballynahinch Castle. The rooms are beautiful, the nature is unbelievable and don’t forget the awesome food.“ Magnus said, hugging Alec gently.

„I’m not going to break, _Mags_.“ Alec laughed.

They entered the castle and the smile on Alec’s face just got bigger. When they finally got their room for three Alec stood at the huge window, enjoying the view.

  
„This is beautiful. It just feels right to be that far away from home. Just being with _you_ two.“  
Jace and Magnus joined him, both placing on hand each on Alec’s shoulders.  
„For whither thou goest, I will go“ Jace whispered. „There is no chance you’re getting rid of me, _parabatai_.“

When the sun began to set the view got even better. The sky turning into a orange-reddish canvas, decorated with white clouds here and there. The water of the river sparkling, a Black swan passing a small boat.

  
The three men standing at the window, watching the sun setting slowly. When the darkness took over they made their way to the small restaurant.

  
After studying the menu Magnus placed the order for all of them.  
„As a starter the pressed chicken leg terrine with pickled vegetables, mixed leaves and truffle mayo… the main should be the Friendly Farmer chicken breast with the smoked bacon hash cake and seasonal vegetables. And some crispy fries. And for dessert we take the pecan pie.“

  
Jace continued with ordering drinks. „A bottle of champagne to go with the starter. A bottle of your best irish red wine for the main menu and last but not least three latte macchiato for dessert.“

 

Alec was just staring at the table, thinking about how he should eat all the stuff they just ordered.  
When the first stuff arrived Alec forgot his whole thinking and started eating without hesitation.

Two hours later the two shadowhunters and the warlock entered their room where Alec just jumped into the bed. He let out a burp and started giggling.  
„Is this how my life is going to be now? Because if yes… I _want_ to fight.“


	9. Chapter 9

  
„Yes, Alexander. This is your life. This _can_ be your life.“ The warlock smiled, laying down next to his boyfriend and cuddling up against him.

  
Jace stood there with a big smile, able to feel the happiness rushing through Alec’s veins.  
„What do you want to do tomorrow?“

  
Alec inhaled loudly. „There is this… _demon_..“

  
„No hunting, Alec. You’re here to get away from all this.“ Jace kicked away his shoes before sitting down on the bed right next to Alec.

 

„I don’t want to kill him. There is a legend about him and I'm somewhat curious.“ Alec said, his hand grabbing Jace’s. „This demon is created by a man. Or better he _shares_ his body with a mundane.“

  
„That sounds weird. You mean like.. both of them know about each other? A _mundie_?“ Jace asked.

  
„They share that body. And let me tell you, he is sexy. In _both_ of his forms.“ A smug smile appeared on Magnus‘ face.

 

 

„Is there anyone on this planet you haven’t slept with?“ Jace rolled his eyes.  
„You.“ Magnus said dryly.

The next morning, after a small breakfast, they made their way to a small city on the other side of the island.  
They stepped out of the portal near the sea life.

  
„He works over there.“ Magnus said, pointing at the sea life.  
„Why do you know each and every one?“ Jace said, walking past Magnus towards the building.  
„Jace, I'm pretty old. And pretty.“ Magnus laughed and so did Alec.  
„I don’t care about your age or who you know, Mags. I _love_ you.“  
„I love you, too.“ The warlock placed his lips on Alec’s.

 

Walking through the aquarium, watching thousands of colourful fishes. This was the first time Alec and Jace saw something like that and it made Magnus smile.

 

„Fergal, my old friend.“ Magnus said all the sudden, walking towards a good looking man with short hair and icy blue eyes. His sea life shirt presenting his abs perfectly.  
„Magnus… haven’t seen you in a while. And why are you accompanied by two young _shadowhunters_?“

 

„May I introduce to you? Jace Herondale and Alec Lightwood. Jace is a good friend of mine and Alexander is _my_ precious boyfriend.“ Jace saw the millions of little red hearts in Magnus‘ eyes and it made him just as happy as it did with Alec.

  
„This is Fergal Devitt, better known as Bálor, the demon king.“


	10. Chapter 10

They watched Fergal feeding the tropical sharks, listening to his explanations about them and just enjoyed the beautiful sight of the fishes.

  
When Fergal finished his shift they walked over to his little appartment nearby his workplace. He served some hot tea and homemade cookies.  
„How comes you’re visiting me with two shadowhunters? After our break up in 1873 I thought you’d never want to see me again?“ The tone in Fergal's voice changed. It was way darker, more like a dangerous growl.

  
„ _Bálor_ …“ Magnus smiled. „As you heard.. this is my boyfriend, Alexander.“ He pointed at Alec. „he was curious about the legends and the mythology. And I wanted him to meet you, _both_.“

  
„We don’t mean any harm to you.“ Jace said, eyes glued to the person sitting on the other side of the table. The blue eyes turned into red ones. The face seemed to blurr. Out of nowhere the human mouth turned into a demon one, sharp teeth showing off.

„As long as you are under the protection of Magnus I won’t harm you either.“ It looked like the demon smiled.  
„Nice…“ Jace mumbled. Sitting at a table with a greater demon and not killing him was strange.

  
„Can both of you take control at any time?“ It was the first thing Alec said since they met Fergal in the sea life. He was way too distracted by the fact that they had the chance to meet the myth himself.  
„Yes.“ The demon said and his form went back to the human appearance. „We share this body, we share our minds. We can both control each other. That is why we are a legend. Because of Bálor I can see the world different.“

 

„You mean the shadow world?“  
„Yes. I see your runes… even I’m just a _mundane_. He makes me see it. Because I can protect him way better this way.“ Fergal smiled. „I like you. And the demon likes you.“ He licked his lips. „If you want he can show you his _whole_ demon form. What you just saw is just a small hint of what he really is.“

Alec nodded rapidly. „I would really appreciate it.“  
„It takes a lot from my strength but I bet Magnus has something for me, right my little warlock?“ The mundie said with a big smile on his face. Magnus nodded, a smooth motion of his hand and a glass appeared in front of Fergal.

 

Fergal got up, getting rid of his shoes and his shirt, followed by his pants so he just stood there is a black boxer briefs.

  
His body started changing. The sharp teeth coming back, a huge green tongue showing off.

  
The body turned black with pulsing red lines all across it. Small, leathery wings hanging on his back and the feet turned into hooves. The muscles on his legs showing off way more than before, twice as thick as just seconds ago.

 

It was impressive. Alec sat there, eyes locked on the now fully transformed demon.  
„He is beautiful, right?“ Magnus whispered. „Not as beautiful as you are, Alexander. But he is impressive.“  
Alec nodded. „Thank you Magnus for taking us here.“

 

Once the demon turned back to his human form Fergal went straight down to the floor. Jace was the first to get up, grabbed his glass and hold Fergal up so he could take a sip.

  
There was a voice inside of Jace’s head.  
„ _Thank you, little shadowhunter. Take care of your friend. He is drawn to death. More than you think_.“


	11. Chapter 11

Jace was shocked but kept his pokerface, helping Fergal to drink whatever Magnus had got him.   
After finishing his drink Fergal looked at Jace, whispering into his ear: „He meant it. Take care.“

  
They got up and Fergal asked them to leave so he could get some rest.

  
Magnus, Jace and Alec portaled back to the hotel. Ordering room service before showering one by one.   
When Alec was under the shower Jace sat down next to Magnus.

  
„The demon talked to me. He was _in_ my head.“  
Magnus laughed. „He likes to do so.“  
„He told me I should take care of Alec. That he is still drawn to death. Magnus, we are _not_ enough to save him.“   
The warlock let out a sigh. „I thought so. This is going to take time, Jace. Alexander is broken and we have to glue him back together. Piece by piece.“

  
They noticed that the water got turned down and Jace got back up, heading back to his bed and started oiling up his body and hair.

 

The next day Alec stated that he would love to visit Berlin.

  
„I heard they are totally tolerant to every kind of sexuality. And they seem to have many small shops. I'd love to go shopping with you two. And in tonight we’re gonna hit the clubs and bars. Drinking, dancing… whatever.“ He smiled and Jace knew it was fake.

 

„Alec?“

  
„What’s wrong, Jace?“ Alec asked, not able to look at Jace.  
„Take off your pants.“  
Magnus spit out the orange juice he was trying to drink. „That’s an order he _just_ takes from me…“ Magnus giggled.  
„Why should I? I just got dressed!“ Alec stood up, walking towards the windows to stare at the river.   
„I know you did it, Alec. Please, be honest with us. I love you, _parabatai_. With everything that you think is wrong with you… with every flaw, with every scar, with everything.“ Jace had followed him, hugging his parabatai from behind.

 

„Same for me, Alexander.“ Magnus said and joined them at the window.

 

„I'm sorry… I'm weak.“ Alec said, winding out of Jace’s hug to get rid of his jeans. A few fresh cuts on both of his legs. Nothing too bad, but harming himself wasn’t good either.  
Jace took out his stele, looking into the eyes of his parabatai and earned a small nod. While Jace was drawing a healing rune Alec whispered: „They trigger me. Everytime I see the scars.“

  
„I can make them disappear, Alexander. They can’t trigger you anymore when they are gone.“ Magnus said, kneeling down in front of Alec. He touched the scars gently and one by one they disappeared. It was like somebody finally lifted up a heavy weight from Alec’s shoulders.


	12. Chapter 12

The next hour Alec spend crying on the bed. He wasn’t really sure why. Magnus and Jace gave him the time and the space he needed. When Alec finally stopped crying he got up, went to the bathroom to wash his face and came back, smiling.

  
„Thank you..both. I feel much better now.“

 

Half an hour later they stepped out of the portal.   
„Let’s find ourselves some new clothes.“ Alec said, a huge smile on his face.  
„Never thought I’d hear this sentence from you, Alexander.“   
„You’re rubbing off…“ Jace laughed.

 

The three walked through the crowded streets of Berlin. Jace stopped in front of a small bakery. „I’ve heard they made pretty good bread and stuff like that…“   
Alec rolled his eyes. „If you want some get some.“

  
„Alec…“ Jace said slightly annoyed but Magnus shushed him.  
„If Alexander doesn’t want to get some it’s okay, Jace. We had breakfast.“

 

Jace went in alone, coming out with a full bag of bread and sweets.

  
„This is a paradise! So many stuff I've never seen before. I got us three some goodies for later or tomorrow.“ Jace was excited about bread. Alec smirked and just walked across the street right towards a small, fancy shop with colorful clothes.

 

Two hours later all three had new outfits for the night. And Jace had eaten half of the stuff he got for himself.

  
It was late afternoon as they checked into a small hotel nearby. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t very fancy but they were fine with it. It was just for changing into their new clothes and maybe rest a little after the party night that was coming up.

 

Magnus got himself a greenish, satin shirt with big gold buttons, a gold, skinny pants and some black slippers.

  
Jace was wearing a gold, shimmering t-shirt, a dark red pants and a matching leather jacket. The look got completed with gold boots.

  
And Alec got a skinny, ripped pink t-shirt, a dark grey leather pants and silver boots.

  
They all looked fabulous and Magnus took them to the next level with some glittering eye makeup. Jace rolled his eyes at first but after Alec begged him, he finally agreed.

 

They made their way to a club nearby. The place was crowded, the music loud but for Alec everything screamed _freedom_. It was like he had finally found a place to let go and just enjoy. Drinks, music, dancing around with Magnus and Jace, kissing Magnus in the middle of a club. Everything seemed to be perfect. 

 

Atleast for the night.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggerwarning! This chapter contains self-harm

After hours of dancing, drinking and having fun they made their way back to the hotel at five in the morning. 

Alecwasn’t really able to walk on his own anymore, the last drinks had been way too much. Jace was supporting his parabatai while Magnus was just laughing at the sight.

 

What should have been a walk of 10 minutes turned into over an hour. Jace was glad when they finally arrived at the hotel. He undressed Alec gently, helping him into his sleeping pants before tucking him in. 

Magnuswas already asleep with his full clothes on. Even his shoes. Jace smirked and took them off before undressing himself.

 

 

„ _You are a disgrace to the family. You are worthless, Alec. You and your downworlder boyfriend_.“

 

Alec woke up, covered in sweat and tears. He stumbled to the bathroom, overwhelmed by nausea. After vomiting he felt better but the alcohol still strong in his system. His thoughts went back to his nightmare. His parents angry, telling him he was worthless. Maybe he was…

 

He grabbed his little bag, fishing out a small box. A smile appeared on his face. The blades would help me. For sure. They could take away the pain.

 

One cut. Two cuts. Another one. Until he lost count and control. Both of his arms covered in blood. A few cuts we’re deep and painful. But he felt better. He pain washing away the dark clouds.

  
Alec couldn’t stop. He looked down on his bare chest and stomach. He was ugly, he was fat. Running the blades through the skin there. Opening up his skin, blood pouring out of it. He felt like he was slowly drifting away.

 

„Jace….“ He whispered before passing out in a pool of blood.


	14. Chapter 14

Jace woke up the same moment, feeling his body burn. He felt dizzy.  
When he noticed Alec was missing he nearly jumped out of the bed, stumbling towards the bathroom. The door was locked.

  
„Alec!“ Jace yelled, knowing something wasn’t right with his parabatai.  
He had two options – kicking the door open or wake Magnus. With kicking the door he could have hurt Alec so he went back to the bed, waking up the warlock.

  
„Get up. By the angels, Magnus!“

  
Magnus opened his eyes, his Cat-Eyes showing off.  
„I’d prefer to sleep a little longer, shadowhunter.“  
„Something is wrong with Alec. I feel it.“

Within seconds Magnus was fully awake, sitting up in bed. „Where is he?“  
„Bathroom.“ Jace said, feeling weak.  
The warlock went over to the bathroom, opening it with his magic.

  
The floor was covered in blood, just like Alec’s arms, chest and stomach. Magnus kneeled down, trying to stop the bleeding. He heard Jace puking somewhere.

 

„Come on, Alexander. You can’t leave me. I need you _. I love you…“_ Tears forming in his eyes as his magic seemed to be to weak.  
Jace reached the bathroom on his hands and knees, shaking and panting.

  
Magnus helped him to get to Alec. Jace drew an healing rune and some cuts disappeared.   
Magnus tried his magic again and the rest of the cuts finally disappeared.

 

„He’s weak…“ Magnus whispered, gently touching Alec’s chest.   
„I know… I feel it.“ Jace mumbled before puking on the blood covered floor next to him. Then he passed out.

  
Magnus used his magic to put them back to bed, changing both shadowhunters into clean clothes.   
„Sometimes I _hate_ this parabatai thing.“ He rolled his eyes before letting some stuff appear next to him. „You both are not going to leave me anytime soon…“

 

Jace wool up hours later, feeling better and without opening his eyes he knew Alec was okay, too. His arms were wrapped around his parabatai, feeling him breathing in an even pace.

 

Slowly he opened his eyes, looking around without letting go of Alec.   
Magnus sat in the chair next to Alec’s side.  
„Hey…“  
Magnus smiled at Jace. „Feeling better?“ Jace nodded. „We both got this little silver bracelet now. It’s going to inform us everytime something is wrong with Alexander.“

  
„He won’t like that.“

  
„He’s not gonna know about it.“ Magnus said and his bracelet disappeared. „He can’t see them.“ 


	15. Chapter 15

„What if he finds out?“ Jace whispered.  
„He won’t. This is higher magic.“ The warlock looked away, clearly feeling guilty for tracking his boyfriend.

 

An hour later Alec woke up, feeling bad.   
„Hey..“ Jace said, letting go of Alec’s body.   
Alec stood silent. He was just staring at the ceiling.

  
„Want some bread? Cake? This stuff is amazing!“ Jace said, gently forcing Alec to look at him.

  
A small nod from Alec and Jace got out of the bed, presenting the half empty bag to Alec. He took out a small piece of cake.  
„The girl said something about that being a bee cake or something like that…“ Jace laughed.

 

After a small kind of breakfast they all sat there, looking sad and lost in their thoughts.  
„There is a concentration camp nearby. I don’t know why, but I'd like to go there… I think that’s the mundie version of what Valentine had in mind… Selection of race and that kind of shit.“ Alec said, playing with his fingers.

  
„If you want to go there we can. Whatever you want Alexander. We are on this trip to make you feel better. To show you the world. Show you that you don’t need the approval of your parents to be happy.“ Magnus wrapped his arms around his shadowhunter boyfriend.

 

„I know. But… it feels like this is just… it’s my goodbye tour.“ Alec said, gently pushing away Magnus and stood up. „I’ll take a shower now and get back into my real clothes.“

 

Magnus insisted to join him. Alec knew it was just to make sure he wouldn’t hurt himself but he was fine. Feeling Magnus‘ hands on him made him feel way better.

 

  
„I _want_ you, Magnus. I _need_ you…“ Alec whispered, his lips right next to Magnus‘ ear. „And I don’t _care_ if Jace knows about it…“


End file.
